Today I’m tackling the issue of losing weight the only way i know how…

with a lot of contempt and swearing. I have debated addressing this issue for months because I, myself, am so torn over the subject.  I’m caught between wanting to rise above it, to not conform and subscribe to unrealistic media images presented as ideal.  I want to be a better example to women, to accept myself and love my body the way it is and to do it with courage and grace, rather than feeling inadequate and somehow deficient.  

Then there’s the other side… feeling inadequate and deficient. When there’s a widely agreed upon standard of body beauty, and if you don’t meet that standard, you’re left feeling…overweight and unattractive. And unfortunately, one begins to equal the other. We can’t just call it what it is…It can’t just be “a few extra pounds.”  Instead it becomes overweight and ugly, overweight and not good enough, or “I’ll be attractive when…” I’ll feel good about myself when…” It’s bloody torture.  And it’s bullshit. But this is how most of us feel.  Thank you society for making the majority feel inferior by letting the few, impossibly perfect set the standard. A culture where thin is beautiful, and a prerequisite to health and happiness.   F’ck off already.  And I should f’ck straight off too for falling victim to and accepting it.

The struggle between these two different perspectives, for me, is very real. I should know better.  I’m too smart to succumb to someone else’s definition of beauty, aren’t I? I can’t think of another area of my life where I let societal norms dictate how I feel or what I do.  I’m 41 years old, I’m not married, I don’t have children, I own my own home, support myself, and I left a cushy meaningless job to start my own business. #girlboss.  So why does this issue of weight have such a hold on me? Why do I obsess about being thin?  Maybe this is more about body image than weight, and certainly my own insecurities, but I know I’m not alone.

This is a monster of a subject and I’m sure there’s no right answer. On paper I prefer to be the shining example of being comfortable in my own skin, loving my body “as is,” giving the double bird to an ideal that’s been force fed and is perhaps unattainable.   But the truth is, I’m not there.  I have tried to be accepting of myself.  I already eat healthy AF, I eat plants for chr#st’s sake, and I exercise alot, so shouldn’t I just accept that my body has found it’s ideal fighting weight? I would love to…and i’ve tried, but I can’t.  I’m not happy being overweight, even if it’s just 20 pounds.  I don’t like the way i look, or feel. All self conscious and insecure. Seriously, it’s embarrassing to even admit, so enough is enough. And in this case, I think i have to acquiesce.   

If you were hoping the rest of this post is about me empowering my bad-ass to love myself  just as I am then I apologize in advance.  This post is about me taking responsibility and choosing to lose the weight that has made me feel so inadequate for as long as I can remember.  It’s about me being tired of the story I’ve created and replacing it with a new one. It’s about learning to eat the appropriate amount of food for the body i want while still radiating health. I need to learn how to satisfy cravings without totally blowing it then spiraling into a dark place of self loathing and defeat.  Most of all, I think i need to prove to myself that I CAN do this, that I am capable of accomplishing my goal, no matter what.

And as if all of that weren’t enough, here’s another real slap in the face.  There is a really seductive narrative in the plant based community that says as long as you’re eating whole plant foods, you can eat as much as you want, no restriction.  Plant foods won’t make you fat, you never have to count calories again…I could go through all my books on plant based diets from health and wellness advocates, animal lovers, and even medical doctors and actually quote them here, but I’m not trying to tell anyone they are wrong.  There is no diet healthier than a plant based/vegan diet, I am a true advocate of this way of life for a gazillion reasons, but the fact is, plants don’t have magic calories that don’t count. (I got that from the Happy Herbivore, Lindsay Nixon,  by the way.  I liked it so much i had to use it.)

To lose weight you have to be disciplined and consistent. I feel like I have been dieting for the last 3 years and not losing weight, which is actually true because I am always on a diet, and I’m not losing weight because I also blow it constantly…I might nail it monday through Thursday then blow it all weekend. And i’ve got a million excuses, a new restaurant, my favorite restaurant, it’s Friday, we’re at a friends house, my family is in town, I’m traveling… you name it, i’ve made it.  I don’t consistently stick to any weight loss plan. So this time I am saying FU to my own shitty stories about why i’m not losing weight, kicking to the curb the self sabotage and all the ways i’m resisting my perfect bod and ideal weight. I’m going to prove myself wrong. I’m a rebel like that.  

I’ve tried oil free, salt free, sugar free, high carb low fat, no carbs, gluten free, intermittent fasting, and non of them have worked for me. I’ve seen them work for others, but not me. What I do know, is that if you are trying to lose weight, you have to create a calorie deficit, you have to burn more calories than you take in. It’s science, it’s simple. I know that there are 3500 calories in 1 pound, so if you want to lose one pound of week, you must create a 3500 calorie deficit each week, 2 pounds requires a 7000 calorie deficit. And i know you can’t starve yourself in any extreme way. If you do, you end up binging.  It’s essential to make and eat the things you really like and that they are good, flavorful and satisfying. So that’s what I am doing.  I’m going to eat a 1200 delicious vegan calorie a day diet.  I am a certified chef, so i expect these calories to taste delicious.

I already have two videos up on my youtube channel with lunch and dinner ideas that are crazy good and fit well within the 1200 calories a day.

Lastly, I hope to post on the subject again when i’m finally comfortable with the way I look.  I’ll let you know if it was worth the journey, or if in the end it’s all just overrated.   We’ll see…here’s hoping!  

Check out the videos on my page, and if you think this post will benefit someone you know, please forward it to them.  I’m here to help.

Thanks, and here’s to you!

Steph

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